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January 2012

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Jan. 20th, 2012

join our wow guild

join our guild "we lost our guild" blackrock alliance

Jul. 13th, 2011

my friends

goodbye livejournal. I have found a new spot on blogger.com!!

Jun. 29th, 2011

The bucket list

Kick the bucket list

Go to Europe
Spend a day at the beach with my dad
Dive into a deep pool
Visit china
Buy a car
Go to Miami
Live somewhere for a month and like it
Go VIP to a concert
Give a flower to a stranger
See honey stand on his own
Go to a Buddhist temple
Go skiing
Ride a bike on a trail
Ride a train cross country
Follow a live band
Mardi Gras
Publish excerpt about kick the bucket list
Sail with honey
Pick vegetables and cook a meal
Find my religion
Skydiving
Teach English in hong kong
Party in vegas
Sex and the city tour in nyc
Visit the desert
Watch a big soccer game…futbol!
Find paradise
See an opera
Walk on the beach in California
Sit with the elderly on a holiday
Carve our names in a tree
Take a dance class
Ride a hot air balloon
Go on a night helicopter ride
Go watch a nascar race
Visit the “other” parts of Disney
Go be an Aussie for a day
Go to Hawaii
Take a photography class
Photograph nature’s animals
Build a model airplane
Go to a psychic
Adopt a child
Learn to forgive
Go to one of mom’s classes
Camp in the backyard
Walk a marathon
Take a cooking class
Adopt a dog
Learn how to be an editor
Start a website… about me
Crash a wedding
Go on a trivia game show
Go snorkeling
Pitch a reality show
Start a vase business
Start a flower business
Start a donut business
Make a paint room and paint a theme every year
See a broadway musical
See the lighthouses in NC

Jun. 27th, 2011

Usually free

I have to admit, I hate fish. Very beautiful creatures, but can't stand their faces or care to eat them. However, I've been fishing with random people and still do it now with my honey at our local lake. I caught a catfish last week. Of course if you don't have a pole, you'll have to get one and worms. In NC you have to get a fishing license for 15.00. I'm sure you can rent poles too.

I just love the scenery and the thrill of the catch. Haha, I won't unhook the fish off the line which becomes a pain for others. We then of course throw them back. Pier fishing is very fun too. Sea life is awesome. We caught a shark last month. He was 8 lbs.

If you have a lake nearby, you can always get a boat or walk the trails. I like to feed the ducks. Enjoy!!!!


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Jun. 15th, 2011

peeps in the world

I've been obsessivly looking up random topics and i realize that im crazy or just have way too much work time on my hands. Both not so good. Mostly topics of me being insecure or jealous or some dumb shit in my head.

Im listening to motivation by kelly right now and I just realized this song is about the big O. Well first of all I can't understand anything she was saying, but im on you tube right now w/ lyrics.

I also subscribed to the add friends channel and realized, damn, a lot of girls have no real hobbies and love photography. It made me realize how plain I really am cause really im just like everyone else. I realized when i make a friend, I find something annoying about them and never speak to them again. How am I supposed to have friends then? lol. Im so nutz. I'm just moody and a little strange. It's hard to find someone just like you, but thats what makes the world great. I also realized why its such a struggle to "find" yourself when you are young. You don't know where to look. It's been boggling my mind how the world has come to place. How did our civilization come to greed, power, money?? Love...some peace.

Im sick of looking at all the internet dating ads on the side of the screen. Everyone focuses so much on women. Where are the hot ugys on the side of the screen? Is it b/c women would never click on those ads? Or does the world lack hot guys. I love eye candy just as much as the next guy.

Here's another honey story...I see that that fool loves me very much. Im tainted and he still loves me. Ok im done.

Here's another infertility story...We need an electrostimulation machine. I need a ferticare. I need to hear from pay it forward. If not i need to go in more debt. Muah! Silly girl!

Jun. 9th, 2011

The best things in life are free!!

What do you do for fun thats free? Write someone a letter about how you feel about them! No one writes letters anymore!
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May. 6th, 2011

more waiting

I finally got a bfp yesterday and it was so light. It had a dark line and a tiny faint second line. I take that as a yes. Still waiting til blood test time. I went in weds and they took my progesterone level and it was a 57 and it should be at least 20. Other than cramps I feel the same. So I bought an expensive test and the line was clearer. The cheap ones finally started coming through. I'm going to do the last expensive one on monday morning i guess. Now im not sure if I just didn't let the others sit long enough cause this line is so freakin light. Anyways, I have nothing else to research or think about so i just have to wait.
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Mar. 28th, 2011

IVF meds start

My Dexa starts today an i am so nervous. Only b/c it is an immune sys weakener so the egg takes. From what I read online it's ok. I just think its weird that I have to start so soon. I guess it's only for 4 weeks or 5. I might lose sleep at night. I always felt like my little immune sys was fine and now I have to weaken it. Great!!!!!!! I think .5 mg is a low dose too so that's good.

Not to mention I flipped out again and honey is so worried that I'm gonna be the biggest BITC##^^#*&% when I start hormones. Then again he said it might balance me out. I flipped out a little b/c of the number game when he told me I was an 8 and there are movie stars that are 9's and 10's. Then I popped in the notebook and soaked a paper towel with snot and tears for an hour and a half. Of course the next day I was screwed up! I like to call this my normal insecure routine. I told him I just think he's gorgeous and he said i look at you like that too. So i said when was the last time you did. He told me nine months ago. When he picked out my clothes. I was like thanks. Great responses. Haha but im ok today cause I try not to take that stuff too seriously. I know I ruin days when i go coo coo, but hey thats me.
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Put it behind ya

Looking at my life and seeing pic from the yr 2004 and onward, I see that there is so much I want to do and haven’t done. There is so much that I have done that I know so many have not. But it seems like a pattern that when good and fun stuff comes up, it gets ruined. Like the heavens above don’t want me to have an enjoyable life. I know when I was with Marcus, I finally felt like wow I have someone to go through life with. Somehow, we slipped off track fast and nothing great ever happened. We have a few good memories, but none that really stick out to me that could’ve been. I usually blame events on life as being alone. When you have a good social or group network, you’ll always be ok. I’m still wondering where that is at.



I can’t find find any of my pics from before 2004. They may be in the attic. But I know I used to print them cause that was the only option. I had to hide them from mom and dad. So I know half the time I didn’t have a camera and the other I didn’t feel like I needed to capture anything because I was actually having fun in that moment. Where are my freshman college pics? Where are my cindy and nutz club pics? It’s so easy nowadays to digitally snap pics and store them on your computer. I know I often whine about life and life is what you make of it. So far in life, What I want never comes true, like a major curse. The 2004 pics are half gone b/c I hated the person I spend 2004-2006 with. The most important college years too!!! That was my intention to stay with my first bf and stay in Wilmington. So I was good in college. Then we broke up and what a mess. I went crazy and decided to change my whole demeanor and outlook on life. I turned to the club. Fail! I built a complex physically. I wanted mr right but wanted to destroy every man on my path. I like to shut new people out which I should never do. So I picked mister wrong and lived a double life for almost three years until I couldn’t take it no mo. Then my knight saved me finally. Saved me when I was out of college and onto adult life. I wish I wasn’t so dependent on men. Then I would have stayed at moms house, partied when I wanted, focused on school, and maybe done what I wanted. Like I only had two years of fun my whole life and it was too wild.



The fairytale came in 2007 I think. But for some reason it was short lived and I became very adult and very wife like and I guess some people weren’t ready for that even though they themselves were older and said they wanted the same. Hummmm. This was supposed to be my life. My fun, my love, my adventure. We made it to the end and someone ripped the air tube out and killed it. That’s enough of that.



Then feeling lost and sad and alone in the personal island I created in MEBANE, I used a nice person who I knew liked me a lot and wanted to give me the world. I may be cursed because all of my bad decisions. I wish in another life we would have made it, but not really cause I don’t find him very attractive and he’s short lol. He made me believe that there are people in the world made for you. So I guess I used him for all his money and assistance because it was the first time I’d be living on my own in my house. I wanted him to fulfill my adventure. We went to all the places I could never afford and lived like I could never afford. He lived at his parents house and made good money with no car payment. We planned a cruise, went to DC, NYC, Wilmington, ate at expensive rest every night. Got hooked up for bday and Christmas. It was a great nine months. It really flew by. I don’t know what happened, but I decided that I can’t go through with living a double life again for the next three years. I even told him I was going to move back to Wilmington and to not follow me. He said he would. I felt stuck again like life was going to repeat. I noticed with each new relationship, I wanted something that I never had with the last. I felt like I lived my life like people not from NC so why do I live here. Maybe if a better plan and motivation for me as a young adult would have led me to a better path. There are so many things to enjoy is this beautiful life. Not to mention I feel like each boy has locked me up or I locked them up. In a dumb way I actually feel like my physical has a lot to mess things up. But I know, there’s nothing wrong with me. If I were perfect no one would have left. Or I wouldn’t be psycho if I were more confident. I made a bold move after having a dream about my honey now.



My honey now may be the one. Something I always knew. He would have be my everything, of course the accident which is fine, but limited. Im glad I have him. So on our baby journey, im so ready and excited and this is what makes life grand

Mar. 27th, 2011

everything bothers me

That sums up my depression. Y does it take me so long to figure things out

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